I grew up in a religious family. We went to church every Sunday and participated in church activites. This was done as a family or within youth groups through my church. I grew up in a Evangelical Lutheran Church, part of the ELCA. There are so many activities, experiences, and personal growth that happened during my first 18 years because of being a member of the church.
Recent events have made me think about why I haven’t been to church regularly since I graduated from high school and moved away from my parents’ house. It’s been 10 years, and I still have no want/need to go to a church service.
Ten years ago I was part of the Minnesota All-State Lutheran Choir (MASLC). I was only in the choir for one year of my possible three of eligibility. The whole experience only lasts for 3 1/2 weeks during the summer. The first 8 days are rehearsal, and the remaining time is spent on the road traveling around Minnesota to different churches and performing. The deep personal bonds that I developed with pretty much every member of that choir and staff are something that I am truly thankful for, and similarly the friendships that I have attained because of that experience. Another experience was when a group of youth went to New Orleans in the late 90′s. We were there for a national youth conference, but the parts that I remember were cleaning up a neighborhood, walking around bourbon street, and meeting new people.
You see, neither of those two experiences would have been really possible for me without participation in a religious activity. I was from a small, rural area and most big events were either through the school or the church. Yes, I was in multiple all-state and national choirs/bands that were non-faith based. As far as MASLC goes, I don’t know of any other choir or traveling group where you develop such a bond with all the other participants on such a large scale.
Why was it that I was being pushed into believing that going to church somehow represented how much I believed in God. I do believe that there is a God. Without a church behind it, the NO trip and my MASLC experience would not of been possible. So, now the question in my head is: if religion wouldn’t of been there, what might have replaced it to make those experiences possible.
But does going to church every Sunday take away the value of my faith? Does me not bringing up Jesus in conversations mean that I’m a non-believer? I know that when I meet someone for the first time, I don’t ask them about their religious beliefs or lack thereof, I get to know them as the person they are; their actions make the decision of whether or not I consider them a friend or associate with them at all.
Hence the problem. I don’t believe that I should need to go to church every Sunday (or at all) in order to underline my commitment to my faith, but at the same time, if I don’t go, am I hindering the formation/continuation of groups that could contribute to the life of a youth just like MASLC did for me? This is why I’m conflicted. I have no need or want to openly talk to someone about my faith. This is because my personal faith is exactly that, personal. I avoid conversations about religion not because I’m uncomfortable talking about it, but because I don’t feel the need to. A lot of that may have come from the confusing feeling that I get after talking to someone who either couldn’t talk about anything except their faith or they were trying to push me into believing what they believed (even if I already did prior to the conversation). I’m trying to keep this post personal and not rant, but I need to here. If you really want someone to consider your side and be open to accepting and maybe even start sharing the beliefs that you have, you need to be open to the fact that they may not want to or need to. This includes: not belittling their already held beliefs.
However, I wouldn’t have been able to have this internal struggle if it wasn’t for my parents. Yes, I was made to go to church pretty much up through my confirmation, but after that it was pretty much left up to me. So now the question is, whenever it is that I have children, how do I present them with this same choice? My aversion to attending worship services shouldn’t be passed to them unnecessarily and ultimately they should be given that choice and not have it made for them. But I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
As for me, I’m going to continue with what I’ve been doing. Treating people how I want to be treated, and continue the internal struggle that is the title of this post.
–dez
